I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
