im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
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were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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