Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
