a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
