Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
