I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
