Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
