is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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