i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
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Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I just forgot I was standing up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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