the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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