census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
