Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize