you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
