Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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