i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
