So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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