This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Randomize