fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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