I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
