Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
