that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
