I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
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