life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Randomize
