Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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