maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Found the puke drawer
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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