You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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