I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
