I faked an abortion last night.
dude i'm inner monologue high
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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