Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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