She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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