At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
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I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
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If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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