i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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