Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
