fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
