If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
