so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize