A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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