I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
