Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
