i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
