I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
These tits shall not be calmed
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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