I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
where does the pee come out of this thing
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
