I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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