after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
