I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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