Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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