im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i love accidental penises.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
