listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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