let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
