I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
