The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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