Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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