Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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