he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
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he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
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How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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