she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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