I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
